Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Now you're probably thinking "Of course you felt sad, it was graduation", but I don't think that's why I felt sad. Maybe subconsciously I felt that way because high school and everything is ending but I didn't think that was the reason.
It was confusing because generally I know why I'm upset. At the moment, I'm not sure. It's a strange feeling. Because I'm not sure why I'm sad I feel lost, or maybe I feel sad because I feel lost. Meh.
Maybe I feel sad and lost because I have great expectations for myself and my life after high school. And so far, I don't feel any happier. I know I know, I've only been off school for a week and a half but I need to start doing something with my life other than sleeping. (As much as I am enjoying the sleeping).
At the moment, I'm talking to my ex ex ex etc boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend. It's just funny how even though the past is, well, in fact the past, it is also present a lot of the time. Another example, things ended badly with my ex, (meaning my last ex) and I feel sort of weird posting his personal life on the internet however he dropped out of school halfway through the year. I haven't talked to him in 3 months about, and my parents didn't know that he dropped out or that we aren't talking anymore. So tonight my parents kept asking "Where was ____?" and I just said "I don't know". Once again, just an example of the past being brought into my present.
Such is life.
I should get some sleep. My sleeping habits are all out of whack. But the way I see it, I've the formal, and then schoolies and then I'm going to Perth later in December. So here I'm going to bed at 1.30 or 2.00 but in Perth that will only be 11.30-12. Perfect bed time. I'll try and sort ouf my sleeping habits once I get back from Perth.
1.22 AM. I'm Off.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
P.S. Today was fairly good. Except for being hungover with a stomach ache, I finally settled on some bathers that I really quite liked, boardies and sunglasses. On a sadder note though, my boyfriend can't come to schoolies which I hate.
Friday, November 20, 2009
I realise this is fairly pointless as neither one of you will ever read this.
I want you to know that you both really hurt me.
I want you to know that this was inevitable and I hate that it still ended up happening as I tried to fight it for so long.
I want you to know that I knew it would end up like this.
I want you to remember that I said all along that if you two got together then you would both lose me, and even though thats a shame for both of you, at least you two have each other, I lost two of the people I've loved the most.
It's not like I love you now. I really don't. I love him now.
Doesn't it make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?"
So because of this song, and these feelings the scars will always be there; physically and emotionally.
I realise I stuffed up bad, but I at least tried my hardest to fight for what I believe in.
Have you ever even fought for anything in your life?
I hate that I miss you.
I hate that everytime you start to go away, there you are again. Either in my thoughts or in reality. Why are you haunting me?
I hate that it's 'all or nothing' with you, and every day of the week my heart would choose 'all' but my head would choose 'nothing'.
I hate that I am now the equivalent of you in my own relationship, trying to please and care for the other but still wanting to do all the things you can do when you are alone. Hurting them, slowly.
I hate that you will both always think of me as I was in that last moment and you will always remember me as the person who did that terrible thing.
I hate that I can't sleep and I know you can't either. You told me you can only sleep when I am there.
I hate that it will never be fixed but I guess in 5 years time I won't care.
You were supposed to be the person always there for me. Even after that point, you were supposed to be the person always close by. Now I don't recognise either of you.
I'm sorry. With all my heart I am. Well maybe not all of my heart, but the rest that is left after you've both broken it so many times. I believe that once it heals again, it never quite fully has all the pieces back. Maybe that's why I feel I'm dying a little more each time.
All my love,
Morgan C. Wall
P.S. Shit; I have to see both of you, together, very soon.
P.P.S. I wish you both happiness and joy, even though your happiness isn't with me I know you both deserve it.
P.S. I'm trying to eat healthy to get rid of my pimples for the formal, can anybody suggest healthy foods that doesn't just consist of fruit and vegies? much appreciated.
3. Post it in your blog.
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don't know.
5. Link 7 new bloggers.
6. Notify Winners of the award with a comment on their blog.
7. Keep being awesome.
Here is 7 things you readers probably don't know about me:
- I was born in Perth and have lived in LA and London too.
- I'm scared of pelicans, moths and my toe nails falling off.
- I get paranoid and worried about the majority of things.
- I have 10 piercings. It doesn't seem like many to me.
- Sport is a big part of my life, I play basketball for the Collingwood All Stars and go for the Mighty West Coast Eagles in footy.
- My 4 favourites things in life are singing, photos, family and friends.
- I believe I have an undiagnosed disease and one day I might have a reason for feeling the way I have for all these years.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Leave my door open just a crack
[Please take me away from here]
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
[Please take me away from here]
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
[Please take me away from here]
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
-Fireflies, Owl City (my latest obsession)
So ever since school finished has been exciting eh?
Friday: School finished. My boyfriend came over. Then I went and bought an iPod touch. My friend had one exam after I did so she came over after her exam and we went out to a pub and came home and watched Juno.
Saturday: Basketball coaching and Basketball. Nothing exciting.
Sunday: Meh. Went to church.
Monday: I went formal accessories shopping with my friend and my mum and I bought earrings, rings, gloves, a tiara, shoes and a broch. I'm going completely over the top to the formal and my dress is from the 50s. Will post photos after the formal next week. Then came home and slept. Chrissie had her last exam so I went to her house afterwards and had dinner. We then went out to a pub and then went to a park near her house.
Tuesday: Chrissie and I took ages to get up but then went bra shopping and printed photos.
Wednesday: My boyfriend came over and then all our friends had finished exams so we got some pizza and then went to a pub in the city. We then got kicked out coz some people were underage it was so fun. We came home and watched Juno. Again. (It didn't matter though, I ♥ Juno)
Thursday: My best bud came over who I hadn't seen in ages. We watched 10 Things I Hate About You and then watched Scrubs.
Tomorrow is my nothing day, I can't wait!
Even though school has ended, which I am relieved about, when I stop and think about it, my world is crashing down. Not fully. Not in a way where I want to die. But slowly. I have expectations for myself and my life after school and feel like I need to start it soon.
An old friend of mine just got broken up with after being engaged and going out with this girl for 6 years. I feel so unbelievably bad and don't really know what to say to him. My counsellor says that I suffer from (and many people do suffer from) the fear of bad things happening, but the fear and stress becomes so much that the anxiety levels are just as high as if the thing had actually happened. Make sense? There's a name for it but I can't remember it.
Anyway, I'm very excited about the formal and schoolies. I will post about the formal next Friday but for now I am off.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Chrissie, Konnor and Lauren (I'm sure Lauren's already been tagged in it =P)
The task: fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie in her therapy video. Below, the bolded things are what you MUST include. Also, please link it back to me, and link it onto 3 other blogs you admire! Good luck! Oh, by the way, you have to watch Cassie's therapy vid (linked above) to fully understand this post...or just love Skins!
I like boys who are wonderful, and girls that are amazing. I like both, a lot.
I like perfect weather.
I like life, but I also hate it.
I like sneezing.
I like mermaids.
I like singlets and shorts.
I love photos and memories, a wise friend once told me "The only reason people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only thing that won't change when everything else does."
Today I wish I could sleep for a 10 years and wake up with a family of my own.
In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular.
I like things that I like but I love everything.
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate
I hate technology.
I hate expectations.
I hate my name.
I hate confusion.
I hate people.
I hate school but in a way, it's going to be the one thing I miss the most.
I hate falling. In all meanings of the word.
I hate you, but I also really love you.
I hate this, wow. . .
Monday, November 2, 2009
1. Where is your cell phone: Next to me in my room on my flood. It's on a cushion so if it vibrates it's not too loud.
2. Your hair: really needs to be dyed. And staightened. I'm hoping to get a red streak in it for the formal.
3. Your favorite food: Nutella, red lollies, ice cream, mushrooms, prawns. Now I'm hungry.
4. Your dream from last night: It's kinda personal, but it was my 18th birthday and I wasn't talking to Z and J anymore (like I am currently not but I was for my actual 18th) and so I had invited them before we had our fight and they both showed up anyway. I yelled at them because they weren't spending anytime with anyone else or even said hello to me. He said that he was sick of smiling at me and getting no response, whereas she followed me. I then told her I didn't have to deal with her and him both being at my party together but yeah. Then my boyfriend and I made out. Twas a weird dream, it seemed so real.
5. Your favorite drink: Soft drink and milk. Not together.
6. Your dream/goal: Not to be afraid.
7. What room are you in: My room.
8. What are your hobbies: Seeing friends, playing basketball, watching TV, hanging out with my boyfriend. etc.
9. What is your fear: Pelicans, my toe nails falling off, the future etc.
10. Where do you want to be in 6 years: Hopefully married or almost married.
11. Where were you last night: Home, on msn. I should've been studying.
12. Something you are not: Cool. I'm told I'm a dork.
13. Muffins: Hmmm...muffins....Okay, so there were two muffins in an oven and one muffin says to the other muffin "what's your name?" and the other one goes "ahh a talking muffin", Classic.
14. Wish list items: Me and Chrissie have a wishlist of things to get before formal/schoolies. Bathers, thongs, formal shoes and bag and little jackety thing maybe? I also need new basketball shoes.
15. Where did you grow up: I think I did my technically "growing up" in Melbourne but however maybe London and LA too.
16. Last thing you did: Woke up.
17. What are you wearing: Pyjamas.
18. Your TV: Is pretty cool, and we finally got the universal remote working with the back button! yay!
19. Your pets: are non-existent.
20. Your friends: are cool. I milk them.
21. Your favorite store: I dunno. JB Hi-Fi I guess, when I have endless money to spend?
22. Your favorite color: Blue...and....and...and....Yellow....EAGLES COLOURS! =D
Now I tag; Chrissie @ I Have a Bed Made of Buttermilk Pancakes and Konnor @ Little Guy Big Dreams